Approaching Others with Religion
I was surprised by the variety of comments to the previous post. While many commentators had negative experiences with proselytizers, others hadn’t felt uncomfortable at all and many had enjoyed such encounters. Below I’ve sketched two broad categories of how proselytizers may approach others that might to some degree account for our varying experiences.
However, I’d note that how we respond, especially to those who approach with little to no prior relationship with us, may depend a lot on circumstances. Do we happen to be at a point in our lives where we’re “searching for answers?” Are we rushed for time? Do we happen to feel like having such a conversation?
That said, here are two categories that occur to me:
Invitation: On the one hand, people can approach others with the orientation that here is something I've found of value to me and I'm extending an invitation to you to take a look at it if you're interested. I think of Sue's example of someone inviting her to visit their church. It seems to me this approach would be most genuine and effective when the inviter has a positive preexisting relationship with the invitee.
Intimidation: On the other hand, people can approach others with a threat, usually implicit, that unless you see things their way, you're going to hell and maybe have other things in your life go wrong along the way, or not as well as they could. The proselytizer’s assumptions here include "I'm right, you're wrong"; "I have God's Plan figured out, including that there's a place for people like you: hell”; and "I'm good, you're bad.”
In the most recent of my own limited experiences along these lines, someone from a health care agency came to my house. He was meeting me for the first time. Several minutes later, he asked out of the blue whether I’d accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. His implication was pretty clear: if I’d do this, or do it to his satisfaction (employing, I guess, the correct turn of phrase), it would be to the advantage of my physical health. It was hard to avoid the impression that his assumptions probably included “You’re sick and I’m not because I’m in good standing with the Lord but He’s punishing you for not believing.”
However, I’d note that how we respond, especially to those who approach with little to no prior relationship with us, may depend a lot on circumstances. Do we happen to be at a point in our lives where we’re “searching for answers?” Are we rushed for time? Do we happen to feel like having such a conversation?
That said, here are two categories that occur to me:
Invitation: On the one hand, people can approach others with the orientation that here is something I've found of value to me and I'm extending an invitation to you to take a look at it if you're interested. I think of Sue's example of someone inviting her to visit their church. It seems to me this approach would be most genuine and effective when the inviter has a positive preexisting relationship with the invitee.
Intimidation: On the other hand, people can approach others with a threat, usually implicit, that unless you see things their way, you're going to hell and maybe have other things in your life go wrong along the way, or not as well as they could. The proselytizer’s assumptions here include "I'm right, you're wrong"; "I have God's Plan figured out, including that there's a place for people like you: hell”; and "I'm good, you're bad.”
In the most recent of my own limited experiences along these lines, someone from a health care agency came to my house. He was meeting me for the first time. Several minutes later, he asked out of the blue whether I’d accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. His implication was pretty clear: if I’d do this, or do it to his satisfaction (employing, I guess, the correct turn of phrase), it would be to the advantage of my physical health. It was hard to avoid the impression that his assumptions probably included “You’re sick and I’m not because I’m in good standing with the Lord but He’s punishing you for not believing.”
Posted by Paul at 12:45 AM Permalink
19 Comments:
But I did feel an obligation that when I got close to someone, friend relative or lover, I must tell them at some point: offer it as a possibility, for their own sake. It made no difference that their life might appear happier than mine. Theirs was a superficial fulfilment and mine was the real thing, even though the path of a true devotee goes through strange twists and turns that might sometimes seem like misery to an onlooker.
So for me it was extending an invitation as you describe. When I really saw the light and walked out of the cult back into the rest of the world, the greatest relief was to understand that I was better than no one, knew better than no one.
That relief remains today as strong as it was five years ago when i walked out. In fact it has become an article of faith that I can learn wisdom from every soul I meet, and I will respect everyone's deep connection with their God, and their own ability to find what they are looking for without need for an external guide. My two elder children (aged 41 and 37) remain loosely linked to the cult but I say nothing against it to them. I trust them to take from it what they find good and spit out whatever will harm them.
Here endeth my sermon.
With that said, I also have not been "trapped" with them. My experience has been independant and free in which I could come and go, walk away, or invite them in. If I had felt my space invaded by those questions I can assure you that I may not have had such a chipper reply. As you mentioned--I wonder about the intimidating feeling arising not so much from the questions themselves, but from the situation? I'm looking forward to my next encounter to see how I react!
Now that I've revealed my particularly heathen side, I thank you again for you post. Take care Paul--I so enjoy your thoughts.
Darcy
If I'm secure and centered, then neither the inviter nor the intimidator should bother me . . .
On a gut level, I know I am more drawn to the inviter than the intimidator. As we say in AA, it's about "attraction, not promotion" . . .
I guess, all in all, one's manifestation of belief, through their demeanor and actions, say far more about the quality of the belief system that guides that path than anything they could say about it, from a proselytizing perspective . . .
I think the whole thing, as you say Paul, comes down to why a person is doing it. Many do seem to be doing it because it makes them feel more righteous, me good/you bad. But others seem to have it bubble from them because they have had such a wonderful experience that they need to share.
DARCY: I can see “yes” working. But the manner in which this particular individual had seated himself comfortably also looked to me like he might have relished further conversation along these lines. I did what I could to make it short yet obtain the information related to my health situation - it's difficult for me to receive visitors for any length of time if I'm out of bed, which I was at the time. (I've severely disabled and semi bedridden, not sure as you've happened to run into that looking at my blog.)
DARCY & OCEANSHAMAN:
Oceanshaman, I feel the same – the proselytizer’s demeanor and actions are most telling of what kind of place he or she is coming from.
Oceanshaman says: “I tend to find that when I am bothered by {a proselytizer} it usually means there's something in me I need to work out… If I'm secure and centered, then neither the inviter nor the intimidator should bother me…”
I agree; that’s usually the case. When I was healthy, my responses to proselytizers ranged from curiosity to mild and transient annoyance if I happened to be in the middle of something. In recent years, as a physically fragile person living alone and struggling with health and mobility issues, the situational factors have become more prominent. For example, I was annoyed by Jehovah’s Witnesses in my neighborhood once it had reached a point where I could answer my door only with great difficulty and some real physical risk. Also see below in reply to Darcy.
Darcy says: “My experience has been independent and free in which I could come and go, walk away, or invite them in. If I had felt my space invaded by those questions I can assure you that I may not have had such a chipper reply.”
In the situation I describe in the post, I lacked the freedom to walk away - literally. And as someone dependent on others to help meet my most basic needs, saying anything that might have alienated him could have worked to my detriment. So I lacked freedom to be myself, to respond spontaneously, as well.
EMERGING FIRE: Yes, the motives and styles sure look like they can differ widely.
Given your health situation, you were a captive audience ... I think most people would have felt vulnerable and uncomfortable too.
a distant family member of mine got herself into some sort of cultish evangelical religious group. she actually told us that, because she's 'saved', she doesn't sin! no, i'm not kidding. she's a smart lady and she actually believed it!
pure arrogance! and so untrue! this, i believe, turns the some away from considering g-d and faith. how sad that those who say these words really believe it ...
sorry that you had to experience what you did. how unprofessional of that worker. and just plain rude ...
I enjoy arguing with people, who come to the door... ask a lot of questions you can learn alot about people and what makes them tick... Although i do have a bit of a moral issue on pushing your faith onto annother.
RED M: And that attitude is at least as common in alternative medicine circles as in Christianity. If there's something wrong with you physically, it's because there's something wrong with you spiritually. Good physical health is always or usually the outcome of a high level of personal integration - despite a world of evidence to the contrary!
It's so irrational... Did some posts on it a couple months back. I do have a hypothesis about how it is that an otherwise rational person can get themselves to believe such a thing. Don't think I got into that in those posts, maybe I should get back to it sometime.
AIDAN: It does have that marketing feel to it sometimes. I know what you mean - if you feel like it and have the time, and the person isn't pushy about it.
charismatic type churches teach that believers have such a responsibility to 'share the faith' because they will be held accountable. In other words, if I have an opportunity to tell you about Jesus and I don't do it and then you never get saved, well it's on my head! (Please understand, I do not believe this to be true!)I spent many (way too many)years in churches that thought this way. Knowing this helps me be understanding to both the inviters and the intimidators, but I'm still very uncomfortable with the latter. As for the former, I think it's rather pointless unless there is some positive preexisting relationship, as you mentioned.
There is a third category that is more appropriate; that of "answering". If someone sees something positive in my life and asks me about it, then that opens the door to share my faith without offending or imposing on anyone.
RAFFI and NANCY: Both your comments suggest how important it is for anyone contemplating approaching someone to be at their best as far as being on their toes about the other's feelings, circumstances and so forth or the interaction can easily be counterproductive.
The waters are murky because the proselytizers can believe they're absolutely doing the thing that will get them God's approval~ to be bold in their faith, sharing it freely, even aggressively.
The other person's possible negative reactions are not as important to them as spreading their message.
Thank you for this post and comments. I really enjoyed my time reading such smart conversations..
Peace and happiness to you!
CHRISTINE: That idea sounds very plausible to me - that the motives would often include, as you say, winning God's approval for their actions.
KRYSTYNA: You too, and thanks for stopping by --
I can see this in respect to a free thinker/spiritual person who may carry messages from source for another. These people know who they are and it's part of their life. I know that there are those in the Christian faith who possess this gift but many are just rehearsing the lines that they think you need to hear.
When I'm approached I tend to feel they need something from me. A word or a statement that may lead them to think about their own relationship to the Creator, on a personal level and in context of their life, their journey that they have lived and planned so far down their individual roads.
I find it interesting to let them know in subtle ways, during a conversation that I am willing to travel a path lesser traveled to find my own innate truth with a possible result of going to hell. It's makes me grin inside to feel their internal shock at such a proposal:) I guess in a way I like to teach? from a point of my personal experiences. If they start the conversation then they're going to go away with a few 'radical' ideas themselves :)
Namaste
The other Nancy here :)
"Many are just rehearsing the lines that they think you need to hear." Yeah, that was my sense with that last person who approached me. There was an emptiness to his stock phrase. Delivery counts for a lot as well as social skills.
*smile and hugs*
namaste
Nancy
WaterFall in spirit
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