Hell II: Beyond the Costume Party
So finally you say something like, “Oh Lord, why have you forsaken me?” – but after that, there’s just this long silence lasting until the end of your life. One of the things about hell is that it defies your expectations, especially the religious ones.
In irreligious terminology, this is called, “really getting nailed.” But if you’ve managed to survive this long, you come down from your cross. And again, since you’re only human and this is hell on earth, you just quietly walk away. For you, there is no ascent into heaven or saving the world.
However, you now begin to be governed by the instinct above instinct. It tells you to stop howling. You walk slowly and carefully, picking your way over the flaming logs, trying hard not to stub your toe even though it’s on fire, or to unnecessarily hurt others by throwing flaming objects at them. You start being kind again and smiling sometimes. People think you are becoming yourself again. In reality, your self is dying back there on the cross. It was only after it got weak and lost a lot of blood that you were able to get most of it off your back to start walking around a bit again, even if, in some cases, the walking has to be figurative.
People think that you are becoming sane again. In a way you are, but in a way you aren’t. You could easily argue that from the perspective of being in hell, you’re acting crazy. Howling and wailing is truly “the way to be” in hell. All the devils do it. But once the fangs and horns wear down the costume party’s over. And there you are, in hell, but still human and with an instinct for it.
In irreligious terminology, this is called, “really getting nailed.” But if you’ve managed to survive this long, you come down from your cross. And again, since you’re only human and this is hell on earth, you just quietly walk away. For you, there is no ascent into heaven or saving the world.
However, you now begin to be governed by the instinct above instinct. It tells you to stop howling. You walk slowly and carefully, picking your way over the flaming logs, trying hard not to stub your toe even though it’s on fire, or to unnecessarily hurt others by throwing flaming objects at them. You start being kind again and smiling sometimes. People think you are becoming yourself again. In reality, your self is dying back there on the cross. It was only after it got weak and lost a lot of blood that you were able to get most of it off your back to start walking around a bit again, even if, in some cases, the walking has to be figurative.
People think that you are becoming sane again. In a way you are, but in a way you aren’t. You could easily argue that from the perspective of being in hell, you’re acting crazy. Howling and wailing is truly “the way to be” in hell. All the devils do it. But once the fangs and horns wear down the costume party’s over. And there you are, in hell, but still human and with an instinct for it.
Posted by Paul at 12:00 AM Permalink
32 Comments:
But it is impossible to understand someone's pain- to the depths that they are in.
Your thoughts and perspective are appreciated. Thank you for shating.
Love and prayers.
Suzy
"thank you for sharing".
early in the morning......
Love
Suzy
Life is ungraspable. A paradox in that we cannot be ourselves until we stop clinging to ourselves. And then, if you ask me, we truly radiate.
SUZY: That’s true, there’s only understanding of others’ situations up to a point.
Haven’t thought this through carefully, but offhand, it seems to me that there may be a greater variety of hells on earth than heavens. The things that bring real joy, it seems to me, are few – friends, family, nature, meaningful work, play. But the kinds of devastation that people can experience sure come in a lot of “flavors” – just think, for example, of all the things that can go wrong with the body.
N2: And to me, the wonderful thing is that the process of separating from oneself can proceed by way of great joy and not just through great pain.
DON I: Earlier today, I was thinking of the concept of “grace” and the fact that many people believe that it’s conveyed mainly through sacramental rituals. And I was realizing how much more of it that I’ve received by way of the sort of experience you describe.
Of course, huge numbers of people find church services highly meaningful. And church services can vary widely from denomination to denomination and even parish to parish. Mine, growing up, definitely lacked an inspired feel for me. Unless grace is transmitted primarily through boredom, it sure wasn’t working!
KATCAMPBELL: Thanks, Kat, I look forward to stopping by your blog again –
perhaps i need to be spayed.
Check this out: http://www.thearda.com/
Keshi.
DON, thanks, looks like a useful link. Buddhism has a lot to offer – and a lot that’s easily integrated into non-Buddhist traditions and contexts.
HAZZBUZZ: For me, the major turns for the better that my life has taken have felt like getting out of the way, after a struggle, of something larger and more generous than my own impulses. At my best I’ve been more of a cooperator than an initiator/chooser.
And the narrower impulses that become displaced by the greater recede until they’re either gone or else weakened and faded to the point where you might say that I can see through them. They come to lack any substantial felt reality.
But it isn't easy, and it almost never happens overnight. (But one time it did.)
KESHI and AVGW, thank you -
As for us becoming Dinos...now thats an Insane idea ;)
and another thing i mean is...
come on people become insane
and don't refrain
follow your heart
it will lead you to your path!!
I wish I could think that the idea that the human race will self destruct is wacky, but I can't dismiss it, especially given our continuing failure to take serious action to preserve our own habitat.
Historically, civilizations have gone out of business due to habitat destruction - like the Viking settlers of Greenland, if I've got that right; I'm not much of an historian. But I've heard a number of examples.
At this point, the entire globe is basically one place - the interconnections and the degree of impact we're having on the system is that great. To my mind, it's not inconceivable that what people have done to themselves on a small scale could now happen on a large scale.
Of course, I not only hope not, but have no predictive ability on this, and certainly can't say that I consider it likely. At the same time, I'm unable to dismiss it as impossible or so unlikely as to be inconceivable.
Will you elaborate?
What?
Bad day at the office, Paul? C'mon, it can't be as bad as all that.
OK, kidding aside, and just in case I ain't the last one to find out that J Cosmo Newbery put out a book....
I'm telling you this as a fact, Paul.
I read it and laughed so hard, Steve came downstairs from a sound sleep twice, complaining about me.
I was howling at this book, it wouldn't let me go to save my soul!
REALLY! I'm sure that if the SPIRIT had showed up while I was reading and said, "It's time," well, I would have had to talk the SPIRIT into waiting till I was done reading. And, I'll betcha I could have read out loud a few lines from it, and sure enough, I'de have been making coffee for two.
How good was it?
Read it in one stand, some nine or ten hours.
Laughed the whole while.
HAYDEN, thanks. I honestly feel a lot more bestial than angelic, but with a body like this, anybody would!
BONEMAN, good to see you! Dang is right, makes me want to read it, but I can’t even handle a checkbook anymore, let alone a book. I always did think Lee had a great sense of humor, so I can about imagine.
If I were the SPIRIT I'd definitely sit down with you and have coffee. In fact, next time you have a cup, consider me there in spirit -
Paul
Good luck and thanks for sharing this with us. My dad has always told me that there is always someone out there that is in worse shape than we are in.
One is that my lifespan is such a tiny fragment of time that I know I’m truly clueless as a firefly. Two is that the picture at present is ambiguous. You can see encouraging as well as discouraging signs. Three is that in my experience, faith doesn't rest in the human species. I hope we become wise enough fast enough to be in it for the long run, but if we’re not, I don’t see the universe falling apart or God having a nervous breakdown.
LUCY: Right. Not being there in your mind is what these posts are about. And while it’s true that everybody experiences suffering and it’s different for everyone, it isn’t all different and equal. Finding yourself physically devastated and heading for an early and very painful death – I can tell you with complete honesty that I find this much worse than any problems I experienced in my life prior to disease onset.
Your dad’s right on. One of the things I noticed along the way is the tendency to compare yourself only with people who are better off than you. If you can type or talk about it, right away you know it could be worse…
Btw, the inapplicability of “good luck” is one of the things that make it hell. Not that you or anyone else wishing me good luck is meant as anything but a kindness, but the fact that, without going into the medical details, me and my family are having to deal with the fact that my good luck meter reads empty. When that happens, you can stay sane, constructive, and even good humored without inventing false hope.
A good analogy: the musicians who played on the decks of the Titanic. As far as I know, they weren’t nudging each other encouragingly between scores with remarks like
“Hey, William, I bet this turns out to be just another plumbing problem.”
They were just playing. They’d thrown every sensible reason for playing overboard.
I like the phrase “purity of heart” – I forget just where that comes from in the Bible.
All of this discussion of hell, and the apocalypse, and the end of all things good... and I can't help but keep thinking about Genesis: the oldest known analysis of humankind. We are born and innocent... then we discover something that makes us "not-so-innocent," and we take that bite. We suddenly realize we have the power of determination, and it makes us feel powerful. Thus, we spend the rest of our adult lives in the throes of our own frustrations with our menial and trivial efforts. That's why we got kicked out of the garden of Eden and also why we're no longer both one with and master of the animals.
There is a certain connection with God that we humans have. If taught at a young age, children are really able to connect with the higher power - it's an innate ability in children. Somewhere along the line, we get disconnected from that... and we start to get miserable. If learned at a later stage, we exponentially are separated from the higher power, though we try to connect.
Hell is simply defined as “separation from God.” Separation from peace, from love, from good will, from desire, from hope, from ambition…. These things are hell, mentally. Physically, hell could assuredly be described as a painful, debilitating condition from which we have no remedy. For some, this is paraplegia. For others, it is hunger. For others, it is war. For others, it is an indescribable separation from God. In any case, hell is when we are separated from our higher power.
Much love to you, Paul. Keep up the fight.
That sounds right to me - there's physical hell and also mental/spiritual hell, or the hell of inner life. You can be in one or the other or both - but I think if both, it's hard for me to imagine that it would be survivable for too long.
You said: "I like the phrase 'purity of heart' – I forget just where that comes from in the Bible."
The quote you're looking for is:
"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God." -Jesus Christ*
*Matthew 5:8 (from the section formally known as the Beatitudes)
Tim
To complete the picture, for over three years I've been unable to be transported safely - permanent injuries from two out of three of my last times out of the house, which were all for doctor's appointments.
It's true that "thinking we've reached the end of our ladder" could be applied to any situation we find difficult; that would be a great mistake.
In my particular situation, we came to cross two important milestones: after eleven years of nothing from mainstream and alternative medicine but no results or damage, the risk/benefit equation of trying to go out of the house when it could no longer be done safely just wasn't worth it - the chances of help too small, the odds of further harm too high.
The second was that after eleven years of intensive effort, with my life on hold and an increasing number of adverse medical effects from attempted diagnosis and treatment, and having lost the ability to sit as the damage to lower back bone, connective tissue, nerves and muscles became severe, then the ability to walk more than yards at a time, then started to become bedridden, I saw that I could easily spend what was left of my productive life "seeking treatment."
That's when I decided to finish my book, reconnect via telephone with old friends, do a living will, and went on to write two and a half additional manuscripts...
While it's a mistake to conclude prematurely that you've reached the end of your ladder, it's also a mistake to keep climbing higher when you see the upper rungs look busted and there's still some house right in front of you to paint.
like your blog!
keep it up
Actually, I like these hell posts too. They were in my first draft of the book, but it turns out, in the editing process, that you need to cut out perfectly good material sometimes that doesn't quite help move the overall narrative forward.
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