Hell III: The Human Animal in Hell
“Blessed are those for whom pain is a metaphor.” Of course, there are metaphorical pains that are bad too, and can even prove fatal, as when they lead to suicide. But to riff off the old jazz ballad, nothing says “My pain is here to stay” like the intractable physical pain connected with an untreatable progressive illness.
Remaining who we are can be tough. Real pain that is severe and protracted enough can make an animal lose sight of everything, including, at first, the human animal.
The human animal has one essential advantage over other animals when it comes to hell: we can keep our eyes open longer. When other animals would have reached the point of growling and groaning huddled in a corner of the room, we can still rouse the convolutions of the cortex and raise our fat heads, so to speak, to notice things around us and about ourselves, even as hell deepens.
We can overhear the happiness of others – and eventually, most of the time, with little to no jealousy. We can remember the sun, remember when we ran or laughed outside, and it becomes a moment of clear pleasure cutting a fine ray through pain instead of adding to it.
We can even describe hell, partly for the hell of it, or as a way of telling hell to go to hell just because we can – perversely enjoying our remaining potency to describe near impotence.
Hell! Go to hell, hell, even though you’ve got me where you want me. Go to the hell of me saying to you: I will be fully me until the end of me, until the fully unavoidable occurs. While in hell, I am Hell-Fighter, the flip-side of my coin – a calm blinder than rage whose name hell can’t contain.
And we can try to describe hell in order to tell people who don’t have to live there: do everything you can while you can. You have it good. Run with it. Run like hell. Run all together now like hell, seeing if some day we can pull this world out of the fire.
Go.
Remaining who we are can be tough. Real pain that is severe and protracted enough can make an animal lose sight of everything, including, at first, the human animal.
The human animal has one essential advantage over other animals when it comes to hell: we can keep our eyes open longer. When other animals would have reached the point of growling and groaning huddled in a corner of the room, we can still rouse the convolutions of the cortex and raise our fat heads, so to speak, to notice things around us and about ourselves, even as hell deepens.
We can overhear the happiness of others – and eventually, most of the time, with little to no jealousy. We can remember the sun, remember when we ran or laughed outside, and it becomes a moment of clear pleasure cutting a fine ray through pain instead of adding to it.
We can even describe hell, partly for the hell of it, or as a way of telling hell to go to hell just because we can – perversely enjoying our remaining potency to describe near impotence.
Hell! Go to hell, hell, even though you’ve got me where you want me. Go to the hell of me saying to you: I will be fully me until the end of me, until the fully unavoidable occurs. While in hell, I am Hell-Fighter, the flip-side of my coin – a calm blinder than rage whose name hell can’t contain.
And we can try to describe hell in order to tell people who don’t have to live there: do everything you can while you can. You have it good. Run with it. Run like hell. Run all together now like hell, seeing if some day we can pull this world out of the fire.
Go.
Posted by Paul at 4:41 PM Permalink
26 Comments:
Keshi.
That's the best advice for living a full life. You are a truly remarkable spirit.
LUCY: It really is hard to think of anything else that's such a big deal and yet is so easy to take for granted. You're right - it's something incredibly wonderful that should be deeply valued.
When I see people, usually young people, doing drugs and alcohol and taking risks with their bodies - I'm sure they can't really know what they're doing.
Maybe intellectually. But having a body that doesn't work right is such a negative that I can't imagine that they have a true feeling for what it is they're risking bringing onto themselves. Otherwise, I can't fathom how they could do it. There's just nothing fun about chronic health problems.
PAULINE, thanks. Or maybe my body is more remarkable, and it's forced my spirit into an unusual kind of marathon; I don't know.
Thank-you for giving us a glimpse of hell. I love your writing.
Just me being an ass again. :D
CRYSTAL: I think that must be it. Even fifteen years later, I still have moments, although rarely now, when I get a "This can't be real" feeling.
It's hard not to take a well-running body for granted - it just hums along, hardly making any "noise." And up to a point, I'm sure it's meant to be taken for granted - so you can concentrate on other things.
CODAKIZ: Hope so, and thanks -
GG: Maybe not so much. "My way is easy and my burden light" - in a sense, the way forward is always a matter of finding out what the truly easy way out is.
HAYDEN: Seems like our culture is almost in denial about death - which is finally a tough thing to try to deny!
Most lives are frivolously spent fueling avarice and base desires. You however have taken the proverbial high road and challenged me to dig deeper and deeper into this puzzle that we call Life.
I don't really have anyway to properly repay you other than to express my appreciation for exemplifying a Human BEING rather than a human doing.
You are a wonderful person...
shine on.
Please permit me to notice that you kick ass.
Incidentally, I keep thinking that I want to come visit. So if you can think of some thing from Texas that you're interested in eating or drinking or having - cuppa water for the guy in hell, that sort of thing - you have my email address.
Nasra
You said: "I am Hell-Fighter ... a calm blinder than rage whose name hell can’t contain." Those are powerful words, my friend. Indeed, you, and there are very few who can truly, understand.
You also said: "I see people doing drugs and alcohol and taking risks with their bodies - I'm sure they can't really know what they're doing." Maybe they don't. Maybe they do. Maybe they have a subconscious (or even conscious) intention of harming themselves so they can elevate themselves beyond the physical/material focus of life.
TIM, it's probably true that relatively few people understand that calm well - but I think it's always there. I know that for myself, it was facing me even during the period in my life when I was facing the other way.
On drugs and alcohol, maybe that could be thought of as facing in a wrong or misguided direction - an attempt to dampen down suffering that ends up increasing it.
Blessings to you Paul.
Love.
Suzy
HAZZBUZZ: Thanks for the "buzz." I'll need all I can get once the book's out, which is the real thing. "If you liked the blog, you'll love the book!" I don't know, I'm not much of a marketer... I'm pretty sure that actually is true though.
KATCAMPBELL: I’ve definitely known some people, one in particular, who wasted too much time – that “too soon old, too late smart” phenomenon.
Here is a man in some way trying to redefine faith, religion and spirituality, in ways which only the publication of his book will reveal. Could it be that some Power is communicating something to him through this illness: not exactly sending a thunderbolt from on high, but a nudge, to prepare him for something, to teach him a next stage, a book sequel or something so life-changing that he will say as Thomas Aquinas did after he had released Summa Theologica and contemplated his impending end: "All that I have written seems so much straw!"
VINCENT, I don't think so.
It happened to me. I went through a period of existential angst, in fear of the inevitable end. Only through faith in God could I pull myself back from this brink of angst. Then, when my mind cleared, I noticed it was that taking the wisdom of "you only live once" to the extreme can be its own hell.
My advice? Live, love, but do not cling too tightly to the things of this world. It is through transcending loss that we can defeat it.
I agree with what you're saying here. In my own reading of it, my post goes along with your position and not against it. Not sure if you happened to read the three prior posts, but those would help put this one in context.
Post a Comment