Forgiveness – Religious and Irreligious
To Err is Human, to Forgive Divine – Unless it’s Pretentious...
“Forgiveness” has religious connotations for many Christians as viewed from the perspective of believing that Jesus died to save humankind from its sins. In person-to-person forgiveness, we participate or reflect the grace of this divine forgiveness, which is seen as closely related to a love that is unconditional and even undeserved. By forgiving, we also follow the example and teaching of Jesus in the New Testament.
For others, the word has irreligious connotations of egocentricity and hypocrisy. To take on the role of the “forgiver” has the feel of asserting an untenable loftiness over the one that we forgive. This reminds us that if we bear even a passing resemblance to Jesus Christ, no one’s happened to mention it lately. To forgive another seems a grandly altruistic gesture that we’re not especially well suited for.
Forgiveness and Altruism
Speaking of altruism, that’s a word whose connotations ring false to me. It seems to imply that doing what we really want to do for ourselves is necessarily in tension or contradiction with doing good for others. When applied to the idea of forgiveness, this might suggest that to forgive someone else primarily for the sake of one’s own peace of mind is a selfish act.
We all have a self. If selfishness is doing what we most want to do, then anytime we do what we most want, we’re being selfish by definition. The gospels present a Jesus Christ who elected to be crucified rather than disobey God’s will. He did exactly what he most wanted to do, and yet the word “selfish” clearly doesn’t apply...
“Forgiveness” has religious connotations for many Christians as viewed from the perspective of believing that Jesus died to save humankind from its sins. In person-to-person forgiveness, we participate or reflect the grace of this divine forgiveness, which is seen as closely related to a love that is unconditional and even undeserved. By forgiving, we also follow the example and teaching of Jesus in the New Testament.
For others, the word has irreligious connotations of egocentricity and hypocrisy. To take on the role of the “forgiver” has the feel of asserting an untenable loftiness over the one that we forgive. This reminds us that if we bear even a passing resemblance to Jesus Christ, no one’s happened to mention it lately. To forgive another seems a grandly altruistic gesture that we’re not especially well suited for.
Forgiveness and Altruism
Speaking of altruism, that’s a word whose connotations ring false to me. It seems to imply that doing what we really want to do for ourselves is necessarily in tension or contradiction with doing good for others. When applied to the idea of forgiveness, this might suggest that to forgive someone else primarily for the sake of one’s own peace of mind is a selfish act.
We all have a self. If selfishness is doing what we most want to do, then anytime we do what we most want, we’re being selfish by definition. The gospels present a Jesus Christ who elected to be crucified rather than disobey God’s will. He did exactly what he most wanted to do, and yet the word “selfish” clearly doesn’t apply...
Posted by Paul at 11:36 AM Permalink
15 Comments:
Our primordial reaction to any affront is to lash out and even the score..that's why we are always so impressed by sober second thought and reflection that leads to forgiving our trespassers.
I'm not sure that I am capable of forgiving anyone who harmed my children? Since I am clinically Passive-Aggressive I like to stew and make my violaters squirm with uncertainty for a decade or two before I deliver my final verdict..unfortunately most of them forget about the incident since it takes so long for me to get even. HA!
Thanks for speaking to the connection of forgiveness and Christianity. While I grew up close enough to know the language of Christianity, since I didn't participate in it I am often tone-deaf to the underlying emotional meanings. I sense there is something there, but can't connect the dots.
"Think twice" - that would be useful to remember in a lot of situations before speaking/acting...
I wonder if I use too many ellipses...
HAYDEN: I think what got me thinking about the "lofty" connotation was reading on another blog that if someone apologizes to you, the Christian response would be to reply with, "I forgive you." Most people I've known would have taken their apology right back at that point!
CRYSTAL: Selfish and unselfish behavior exist. But my problem with the connotations of altruism are as I mention in the post.
If Martin Luther King, for example, acted from altruism in the sense that he gave up his own authentic best interest, that would mean he'd have found greater fulfillment quitting his risky civil rights activity in favor of some safer vocation that he would have found more satisfying. But he gutted it out just for the rest of us, wishing, all the while, that he'd, I don't know... taught sociology.
But I think the way that he lived had to have been profoundly self fulfilling - that he wouldn't and couldn't have wanted to do anything else with his own life with more passion and sincerity.
In contrast, the selfish live under the illusion that they're doing things to make themselves happy; but in fact, by their actions they shrink their own souls over the course of their lives at the same time that they increase the misery of others.
It's also possible to do good while dragging your heels about it. I think that to some degree this puts some brakes on the good the person does - at the least, those who benefit from the person's kindness can sense the foot-dragging.
So to do good while dragging your feet - I can see how that would be experienced as altruism, as a heavy burden of self sacrifice. The do-gooder would have, in the back of his or her mind, that he or she would really like to be doing something else.
It would probably do such a person good to push beyond the do-gooder stage! This might involve doing the same thing minus the foot dragging - or the foot dragging could be an indicator that the individual should be doing something else or something in addition to what they're already doing with their lives.
As for selfishness, I think that it is sad that the word has become synonymous with something negative. It took me a long time to realize that taking care of my own soul's desires wasn't 'selfish' but necessary in order to maintain the healthy connections I have with others. The chain is only as strong as the links it contains and continually sublimating our own needs and desires will only weaken us as individuals. Our inherent connections to the world around us necessitate that we engage in certain acts that might be deemed selfish by others who are not necessarily in 'the know' about our circumstances.
LIARA: Absolutely. Also, apologizing (or, less commonly, asking for forgiveness) can be done wordlessly or indirectly. Such silent/indirect conciliatory gestures can be especially powerful.
However, if someone failed to notice some understated gesture of reconciliation coming from me, I’d personally feel uncomfortable with judging that the person necessarily chose not to notice it. Some people aren’t as good at picking up on subtle social cues as others.
and i realise all that thanks to this post...:)
Forgiveness is easy if the offender has some real consequence coming for whatever transgression was made.
Forgiveness is hard to come by if the offender kills someone you love, and doesn't get even as much as a slap on the wrist for having done so. Still you must forgive.
At that point, it's not even a matter if you want to or not, it's necessary for your own sanity. Is that selfish? Maybe, but if you want to be whole again, if you want to be of any real use again, you have to dig deep and release the anger, hurt, resentment, and bitterness. You have to forgive, and go on with your life.
It's easier said than done. Most people have no clue what forgiveness is, because nothing has happened to them that cannot be undone. Steal my car, burn my house down, lie about me, hurt my feelings, betray me and I might get over that fairly easily. Taking the life of someone I love takes the word "forgiveness" to a whole new level. I hope no one ever has to experience what it really means to forgive.
ATHENA: I hear you… You can easily think that you have a handle on the issue of forgiveness when it may turn out that you haven’t begun to seriously consider the extent and kind of harm that another person can do to you.
I think you’re right – genuine forgiveness is never a selfish act. To whatever extent we forgive, we transcend ourselves – our grudges, our focus on getting even, the hold that resentment has on us. And as you say, since it releases us from the life-sapping effects of hanging onto negativity, it actually helps strengthen us for getting on with our lives and our relations with others.
HAYDEN AND TIMJAMZ – PS RE. LOVE and FORGIVENESS: If you happen to read this, my sister made a remark I thought was insightful:
If the harm done is relatively small, it’s easier to forgive someone you love than someone you don’t. If the harm done is great, it’s harder. I’d add that if the harm done is great, maybe what makes it harder to forgive someone you love is the element of feeling betrayed.
It's very rare and great are those who give out forgiveness for it's true worth.
Blessed are they.
Many people do forgive to lessen their heartache, as you say - although I wouldn't want to minimize this by calling it "just" to lessen the heartache. Earlier in this discussion thread, it's been mentioned that dimishing our own inner turmoil and negativity can only better equip us to be of use to others. Also, very often, perhaps usually, our forgiveness matters little if anything to the person who wronged us. In such situations, we can't forgive the person for his or her good.
Do you see them as one and the same, or do you distinguish between "the blessed who forgive for its true worth" and those who forgive to free themselves from the hold that their negative judgments and desires for revenge have on them, thereby enhancing their ability to do good in the world?
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